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"Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride." 
Facebook, Twitter and Instagram doesn't ruin relationships. You choose who you reply to and how you reply back to them
how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0
If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..
One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.
I've wanted to run away from home WAY more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.
Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...
Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.
I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..
thinks some people wake up and eat a massive bowl of stupid for breakfast everyday!
Sorry, I can't follow you on twitter...I'm a leader!
not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...
Call me childish, but I can't help chuckling to myself whenever I see a senior citizen point at something using their middle finger.
Some women are terribly hard to please, ... . . . . . the rest are Impossible
I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.
Gotta love a good GPS. No matter how many wrong turns you make, that little pocket sized symbol of hope just sits there, smiles at you and says "No worries buddy, I'll still get you there"
Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.
Never fear the unknown; embrace it! Never avoid challenges; welcome them! Never fear negativity; laugh at it! Never walk away from difficulties; confront them! True success can never be achieved without overcoming some sort of obstacles! 