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I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much" 
Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it
If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.
So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.
It used to be that a lady didn't kiss on the first date. But gas is 4 dollars a gallon, 1 date counts as 3 now.
Trying to get someone to agree with your political or religious viewpoint, is as futile as trying to convince a mother that her baby isn't the cutest thing ever.
What's wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, the middle one is for you!
When you wake up the first thing you do is roll over and check your cell phone
If your spouce and a lawyer were drowning,,, and you had to choose,,, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them
don't attempt to speak a language you can't speak. Going to a market in my 1st night in Spain saying "Quiero polla" instead of "Quiero pollo" was one great lesson! Just 1 letter made the difference-I wanted to say "I want chicken" but said "I want d*ck"!
A man should never talk on the phone with another guy while lying on his stomach with his legs in the air.
upset that history channels mounted in alaska has absolutely nothing to do with bristol palin
Speaking of Fathers Day... The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
My wife decided to take up violin with good intentions but she couldn't decide which chin to rest it on
vacation plans this year include a state wide convienence store hot dog tasting tour this summer
photo albums become less interesting when all the hot chicks know how to use privacy settings :P
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. 