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I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ 
No one calls you at 3am "Just to talk"
What the hell do Facebook employees do when they're bored at work? ~phoenix1029
Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.
Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?
I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.
Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.
Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh
Dear Girls, when a boy pauses his video game to text you.. Marry him.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.
I think the guy in the Trojan personal messager commercial is way too happy that his girl friend got 3 of them
That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “single” and your ex 'Likes' it.
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.
it's very easy for a woman to impress a man. Just show up naked and bring beer.
The people I went to high school with got really old looking.
I'm sorry I missed what you said, my bullsh*t filter was switched on
It's International Womens Day and I don't know why men are so upset . They have their own day too : Palm Sunday.
You dont have to believe in the goverment, to be a good American, you just have to believe in your country. 