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Today, it took 473 licks to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop. You're welcome, World. 
Closest thing I ever got to a hug growing up, was the scientist picking up the test tube!
I've invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.
Guy: I have a girlfriend. Girl: I have 2 goldfish. Guy: Wtf??? Girl: Oh, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter
For tomorrows bra forecast, its looking mostly black with a splash of peach moving in for the afternoon. Tomorrow night, it's all leopard skin, with lows in the matching thong.
How is getting a bj from a 75-year lady like bungee jumping? Whatever you do,don't look down!
thinks people need to quit confusing Facebook with a clothes line. It is not a place to air your dirty laundry.
Rosa Parks never called "shotgun"
For some of you that habitually change your relationship statuses, Facebook should offer an "is being played by _________" option.
I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... in Morse code. I'm pretty sure that is what he was hammering. Another neighbor smiled and waved to me in a ploy to throw me off about the hammer signals
Shut up homework. I'm trying to do my facebook
People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store.
It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
We all know someone who breathes way too damn loud.
Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command
If you want to lose "friends"....tell the truth.
hanging out with his cousin, Ahmed. Or as you know him Dave from AT&T customer services.
im smart because I can play stupid to perfection
WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.
You managed to live through 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09, 10/10/10 and now 11/11/11. Give yourself a pat on the back. 