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For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner. 
-- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...
I hate it when my party can't start because Ke$ha wont walk in...
Damn predictive text! I swear, I honestly didn't say I wanna kick your puppy
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm :)
Wonders if a Facebook "Poke" is equivalent to a "Quickie". Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has pondered this...
My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Dear Captain Crunch. Your little squares are tasty little morsals of joy and happiness. But eating a pile of gravel from my yard would be less painfull. Please work on that.
keep having a recurring dream. It's like the Family Guy giant chicken fight, but its Romney and big bird
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.
Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed
My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston S. Churchill (R.I.H Chavez)
France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud
Casey's fate was decided by 12 peers too stupid to get out of jury duty
if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...
•Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 