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My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill. 
The Rock has lost 48 million followers in the last few days.
Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA...
as a proud bully, I am tired of being picked on and harassed by these antibully people.
Enough about the #RoyalBaby. Where's Aunt Pippa??
I just spelled something so badly that autocorrect shot milk out of it's nose.
If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard
They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.
Pringles. A real chip wasn't good enough. So they smash a potato, add chemicals, add liquid, turn it into a paste, then put it in a mold where it is artificially made to resemble a real chip, but with no flavor. Then put 'em in a tennis ball can
pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"
You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks... and you really show your butt.
I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.
That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"
What people call it the presidential debate, I call it the world's most expensive puppet show.
Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.
Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you some more wifi
Jokes aside, North Korea needs to be stopped. 