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Be careful who you call your friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies 
I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...
What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”
I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch
I sent a text message pouring my damn heart out, and all you reply back with is "K"... B$tch you was better off not replying.
3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.
I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.
Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!
Governments always put all states on high alert after a bomb blast. What a freaking joke... its like putting on a condom after a positive pregnancy test!!!
Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?
wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?
Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.
I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "
hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.
Used kids toothpaste for the first time in like 20+ years.............. Taste freakin AWESOME!!!!!!!!
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...
Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind
Turning on my computer reminds me of the days when you would have to wait for the tubes to warm up on the TV.
When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.
I think Nancy Grace is the first woman to ever experience blue balls.... 