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1600's: "Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless" 2011: " K " 
You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
Governments always put all states on high alert after a bomb blast. What a freaking joke... its like putting on a condom after a positive pregnancy test!!!
Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?
wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?
Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.
I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "
hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.
Used kids toothpaste for the first time in like 20+ years.............. Taste freakin AWESOME!!!!!!!!
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...
Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind
Turning on my computer reminds me of the days when you would have to wait for the tubes to warm up on the TV.
When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.
I think Nancy Grace is the first woman to ever experience blue balls....
The love you can't have lasts the longest...feels the strongest...and hurts the most.
Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.
I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.
..... Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire ...... especially in the U. S. Congress!!
Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart??
I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you. 