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Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved! 
Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”
I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.
like Doug's friends Skeeter whenever I meet her cuz I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise!
marriage? no thanks I can't mate in captivity.
I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?
If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!
Heres one for MythBusters: See if she can really suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.
Girls gain weight because their brains can't hold all the info so it spreads to other places. Therefore she's not fat, she's a genius.
wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?
Q: How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing
Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied
"Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"
"Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."
Women are not complicated... They just want love... and chocolate... and shoes... and some other stuff
Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..
Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm?? 