Funny Status Messages

   My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."

   Someone give Green Day a nudge...it's October tomorrow....

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   Kanye West calls himself Yeezus because he can turn, "Not winning a Grammy Award" into whine.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   I think Americans need to find out who makes terrorist passports, apparently those things survive plane crashes and suicide bombs

   If I was a rapper, I would use the stage name Gee Wizzy

   I'm relying on future medical breakthroughs to undo the repercussions of my present unhealthy habits.

   your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   With the money they have they could of bought a better baby name......

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   I do push ups with my eyebrows, don't be hatin!!

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.