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The beatings will stop when morale improves. 
maturity is knowing when and where to be immature...
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
just told that karma will come back around if I make fun of stupid people...now, I only make fun of rich, goodlooking skinny people!
needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.
You could learn a lot by listening. So shut up and let me talk.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
We are seeing some hard times. Even Santa's feeling the pinch, I hear he's down to just one Ho!
while it is true there are plenty of other fish in the sea, its also true most aren't even close to being a trophy.
Just finished reading the book, "What Women Want". It was a pretty lengthy but interesting I guess. I figured I would follow it up and read, "What Men Want", but I found out that it was just a pamphlet
playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts
feels incredibly overwhelmed by all the work I have to do today... Of course, the responsible thing to do is to update my Facebook status.
It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.
Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?
I'm not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference
Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…
Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.
Jealousy is an illness, get well soon!
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The main problem with a high maintenance woman is that the upkeep costs never go down. 