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If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow. 
everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.
Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?
I failed this quiz question... Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the answer is Africa! Who knew?!?!
How Dawn clean ducks but not my spaghetti bowl??
Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.
Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.
Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship.
If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country
It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?
I just found some Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge. Funny, I don't remember making any turkey pudding...
My wrist injury is better now that Olympics women's beach volley is over.
Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.
I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life
I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble! 