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I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit? 
STOP EVERYTHING YOUR DOING!!! Think about me for 3 secs. 1.....2.....3.... You have just experienced the best 3 seconds of your life. You're Welcome!
What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.
Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. Will somebody please shut that Hillary Bishop. She Lysol the time.
Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!
American women are way hotter. For starters, they have teeth.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!
Shake the family tree...and watch the nuts fall !!
The Playboy Channel accidentally aired on 2 kids networks. Kids were shocked to learn just how much “exploring” Dora was into
[Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Guess we know who 90,000 Boeing employees won't be voting for in 2012....
Why do women always ask, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?" No, your A$$ does... Trust me ladies we don't care... We like ya naked...
BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner pulls out and resigns.
If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow.
everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.
Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?
I failed this quiz question... Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the answer is Africa! Who knew?!?!
How Dawn clean ducks but not my spaghetti bowl??
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?" 