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For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why. 
At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.
If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets... Congrats, you have reached rock bottom.
If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.
Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"
"I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider
When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.
bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"
What makes women think a rapist is gonna wait around to be misted by tobassco spray you got in your purse, hell you guys cant even find your phone in there, and its ringing and vibrating...
If you've ever described something as, "Better than sex", then you my friend, are probably having the wrong kind of sex..
Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.
To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life…also, thank you.
Making people uncomfortable really brightens up my day.
Sometimes I lose sleep wondering if I'm one of those "Damn... here comes that guy" guys
Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.
How are we suppose to have flying cars if we can't even get AM radio without static?
The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :
Those awkward car rides with people you barely know. 