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Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. 
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools and idiots are on the same side.
I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)
I've always had an over active imagination. Like one time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of tango, it took me a while to work out it was just a fanta sea.
Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."
I haven't been ignoring you. I've been prioritizing you.
I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to boink her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!
When Arnold and Maria were married many wondered if he could convert her into being a Republican. Well we have the answer now, She converted him into a Kennedy.
Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.
made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.
next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"
walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".
wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber
absolutely willing to work on weekends ... granted that weekdays are off.
asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????
says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!..
I kissed a girl on the playground in the summer of '96. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that! 