Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one. 
Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.
Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.
I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.
My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.
Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.
How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...
Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power
Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.
If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat. 