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Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end. 
DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open
The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.
Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.
And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.
I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!
i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.
My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof. 