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My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke... 
You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.
Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.
DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open
The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.
Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.
And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it. 