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How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead. 
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...
Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power
Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.
If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.
3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy
Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?
[Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.
Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees
I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997. 