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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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09-22-2020 08:13
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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09-28-2020 09:33
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DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.
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10-06-2020 08:54
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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10-13-2020 14:38
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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10-14-2020 09:27
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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10-14-2020 09:29
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Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away
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10-14-2020 11:01
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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10-21-2020 06:17
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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10-28-2020 07:44
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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11-10-2020 08:25
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I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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12-01-2020 08:49
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Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"
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12-02-2020 23:18 by
@Any_Major_Dude
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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12-04-2020 08:09
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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12-28-2020 10:04
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When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?
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12-29-2020 08:23
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*
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12-29-2020 09:30
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Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!
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01-23-2021 16:21
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??
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01-26-2021 08:15
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I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed
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03-14-2021 18:47
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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03-16-2021 08:23
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