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Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff. 
My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"
Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...
Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.
come on folks.... bring on the funnies
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"
I've started visiting orgies dressed as a
Ninja-Turtle!
I'm really coming out of my shell these days!
OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!
Not so great minds also think alike!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant
I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.
Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.
Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING???? 