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Opinions don't affect facts, but facts should affect opinions, and do, if you're rational 
[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
my cats gonna s*it when he see's I got him a new litter box for his B-day..
Global warming is caused by people being uncool.
Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.
No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.
has found her favorite machine at the gym it's the vending machine!
I'd probably go to church if all the women wore yoga pants. And they were all hot. And it was at a bar. A free bar. Amen.
So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.
I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...
Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.
I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"
President's Day: a day the USA remembers when it had presidents worth celebrating.
When will women ever learn? Never post pictures of yourself and your hotter friend posing together. Especially when she has bigger boobs than you. It will only make you invisible and insignificant.
The hardest part about keeping up with the Kardashians is swallowing all that semen.
"Prince Williams bachelor party musta been awkward. Imagine stuffing bills in some strippers thong and they all got a picture of Grandma on em."
R.I.P Lindsay Lohan : (not really, I'm just practicing.......
I have been so lazy this week the the Government called and asked if I wanted a check!!!
There are 10 types of people in the world...Those that understand Binary Code and those that do not!!
I think I'll go shovel the "Global Warming" out of the driveway! 