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Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election. 
If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.
Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button
It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges
I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.
Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
What do I remember about the midget
that attacked me.
Very little.
Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…
If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.
Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."
What am I supposed to do with all this coal?
This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet. 