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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one. 
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.
Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid
I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!
[Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Be the reason someone smiles today 