lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   Now that food has replaced sex,I can't even get into my own pants.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late and see the New Years in. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   Computer Geek's Pickup Line: Is your name Google? No. Why? Because you have everything I've been searching for!