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This is one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.. Happy St. Patty's Day!!" 
Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.
When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...
Would it kill them to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the gas pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up and my gas tank is on the wrong side
decided to clean house since it is raining. Now it smells of Murphy oil soap and Pine-Sol.. Instead of Sex and Candy.
I probably should have put my real birthdate, because I just woke up to a bunch of happy birthday's on my wall.
if alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair
When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.
it a coincidence that Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year even in a leap year? Awkward.
I used to be a looker when I was younger. Or a peeping Tom as the girls used to call me
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that yesterday when I was sitting in the fort I built.
I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.
I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..
No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year
Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun
Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"
Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.
Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!
If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.
So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think. 