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..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C... 
A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.
Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars
Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.
Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had diarrhea!
I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.
To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.
I think facebook is a teenager...its going through alot of changes lately
69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.
dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.
overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.
you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you
Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Sometimes I feel like I understand it all...And then sometimes De Speaka No Englis
Save up to 100% in gifts when you break up a day before VDay & make up 2days after!!
To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.
hooked on ebonics...tru dat dawg
Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with. 