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can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!" 
I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.
I don't get the toilet seat issue that women have. I won't put my naked *ss on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some women are not so discriminating...
I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.
Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...
Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.
I'm not going bald, i'm just getting more head.
I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.
I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
thinks that the term “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for freaky, hairy mole!
I saw all the Tiger Woods action figures are on clearance; I think they could sell more if it came with a White Trash Barbie
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening
I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.
hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.
If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.
Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror and other times you just have to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride. 