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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it. 
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.
[inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”
thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi
Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form
In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.
Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?
Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy. 