Funny Status Messages

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.