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The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account. 
Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Can I get a Hell Yeah if you don't know what you're doing with your life and you don't get enough sleep.
Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.
Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.
Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.
I just want the self confidence of a cat.
.... Of course Gamer Boy living in my basement .... you're not going to find the perfect Gamer Girl ..... Cuz she's sitting at home playing games just like you ....
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.
Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?
This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar. 