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I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't! 
To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.
If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.
Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
"Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?
I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!
If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...
on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!
Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....
Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.
I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.
Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.
Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing? 