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As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running. 
I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.
what the heck is a honey boo boo???
Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimal of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.
Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a clay-mation skeleton, who fell into a pile of feathers.
A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.
Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.
Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd
Teaching my kids some nursery rhymes for the first time... Damn you Andrew Dice Clay!
Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.
if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip
Video games don't encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.
wondering why they keep midget porn on the top shelf?
Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!
Santa is too real! I saw him outside the liquor store last night and he smells of Bourbon and Marlboros.
Snowmen for sale....some assembly required! 