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My neighbors keep listening to the same song over and over again…..whether they like it or not….. 
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.
[This status has been removed for violating thought processes]
Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.
Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.
Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.
mentally catapulting Angry Birds at the car in front of me...
It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.
The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.
I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.
How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??
I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!
When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?
To the 42 friends that are currently available to chat at 3:11 in the afternoon... Get a job you losers! Oh, wait...
This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.
If a soccer player falls in the forest & no one is around, do they still writhe around displaying Oscar worthy performances of pain and grimacing on the ground acting like their shin or their knee exploded? like watching JFK get shot
Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!! 