lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   How is getting a bj from a 75-year lady like bungee jumping? Whatever you do,don't look down!

   It's International Womens Day and I don't know why men are so upset . They have their own day too : Palm Sunday.

   Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Sold it on EBay. Made a tidy little profit.

   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

   One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"