aaron Funny Status Messages

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.