Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.