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GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)? 
"Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.
Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway
I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
- Hard drive, floppy drive, flash drive, stiffy disk. Who comes up with these names?
hates people who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
What do burnt toast and a pregnant woman have in common?... In both cases you'd wished you had pulled out a few seconds earlier.
Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.
Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians..
wondering why the one country that's the most obsessed with the english royal family is the one that had a tantrum and left in 07.04.1776?
Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I'll rememeber; involve me and I'll understand.
I don't care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I'm probably gonna wanna do you.
running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."
Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.
roses are redish, violets are bluish, without jesus, we'd all be jewish
I Would Never Be With Someone Just Because They Were Financially Stable. I Would Rather Live In A Trash Can With The Love Of My Life, Than To Live In A Mansion With Someone That Activates My Gag Reflexes.
My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore. 