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UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup* 
Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.
What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Daughter: Momma, can a woman get pregnant from an@l s3x? Mother: Sure Honey. Where do you think politicians come from?
We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.
Ah, The Super Bowl... Finally I can say "What a huge sack!" or "That's some serious penetration by The D!" Without being judged by the guys.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
If I offer to take you out to eat and you are rude to the waiter like you are the one paying the bill expect me to embarrass your shameless ass in front of the same waiter.
Apparently the Patriots win was more deflating to the Colts than first thought.
don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.
They only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey is if the guy tied up the garbage bag and dominated the dishes.
Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!
My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.
I talk a lot of crap for someone who can't even put her panties on without falling over.
Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want them to be alive..
A Christmas tree isn't going to be the only thing lit this holiday season
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat. 