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One man's trash is another man's daughter. 
Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..
There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.
I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!
Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.
Sitting in the theater, ready to watch the move then BAM!!! The human giraffe decides to sit in front of you!
A stark reminder that we're just guests on this planet.
There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" and "if" in life.
You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"
Maybe we should put the NCAA in charge of the Catholic Church too.
The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking
I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.
You sing in a local bar band. You are NOT a rock star!
Instead of birthday notifications imagine if Facebook sent PMS notifications, so you'll know when to leave a girl the heck alone.
Tomorrow's going to be great.....Discount candy.
People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)
I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs
found out yesterday that Wii Bowling skills don't translate well into real life. Hopefully boxing will go better tonight. 