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I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question. 
I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times
There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.
A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"
Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..
When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.
When you cut the head off a snake, it doesn't die right away, it's still dangerous. The war on terror is NOT over, just yet.
Girls fall in love with what they hear, Boys fall in love with what they see, that's why girls wear make up and boys lie.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
I am aware that I am less than what some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
off to Mamby-Pamby land in search of self-confidence.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????
I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time
You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.
The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.
I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.
You're as useless as the G in Lasagna 