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I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you. 
"Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"
Sarcasm: noun/ The brain's natural defense against Dumb.
Just a heads up...it is World Naked Gardening Day on May 7th. Rest assured, I will not be participating.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....
I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...
Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.
Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.
Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.
Hope my Facebook friends like my staycation photos! -Me in a chair. -Me on the couch. -Different chair. -Sitting on the bed. -Couch again.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.
Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?
I just got my ancestry.com DNA test back! So excited!!! Turns out I'm 61% Italian, 15% Irish, 10% Greek and 14% Alcohol.... Not bad for a Thursday morning!
The problem with this generation boils down to: Their cartoons suck.
What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.
If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends
Inner beauty is just code for when we go out you're buying your own drinks.
These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich. 