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You know its cold outside when you trip over dog sh** instead of stepping in it. 
The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.
Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.
I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while
Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
They pudding Bill Cosby in prison
I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Space Force: Make the galaxy great again.
Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.
If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.
I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!
The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on
I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.
It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?
First rule of Fight Club:
Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!
well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.
Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT. 