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I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on. 
My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.
Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
They pudding Bill Cosby in prison
I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Space Force: Make the galaxy great again.
Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.
If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.
I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!
The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on
I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.
It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?
First rule of Fight Club:
Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!
well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.
Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.
I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out) 