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The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts? 
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.
Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)
Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!
My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving
I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.
Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.
I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend
Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies
Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...
Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.
I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow 