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St Peter: "so..how did you die?"
Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire" 
Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.
I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....
Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.
Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.
I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.
My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.
It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago
Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.
DUI of the Tiger
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
[Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other. 