Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline. 
I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.
Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses 