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You had me at: "I have an open bar tab." 
I'm a Gentleman. I'll always give a woman my umbrella if it's raining outside. Unless she's wearing white of course.
Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Bathroom Mirrors & Associates?
Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by 'down' I mean 'over her face'.
I know you put up with the crazy for the blow jobs.
I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.
Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"
I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!
A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.
Look to the left. Now look to the right. Guess what? I just virtually slapped you :)
This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.
I attribute most of my good days to a couple of people with voodoo dolls canceling each other out.
Love starts with "You are different" and ends with, "You are all the same".
Women that have strong handshakes kind of freak me out
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.
thankful for all the god given breasts that he put on so many beautiful woman.
They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.
Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.
Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car. 