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I think there are too many psychic mediums and not enough psychic extra larges.. 
Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one
During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."
Restless leg syndrome. A syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than calling it wiggly bouncy legs.
wonders.. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?
I wonder if all hot girls go through life believing that everyone is being genuinely nice to them all the time.
If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.
If diamonds are a girls best friend and a dog is mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.
People who want happy endings have to write their own.
After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world
Dude, I'm not asking you to know pi to the 50th place, I'm asking you to know who's got right of way at a damn intersection!
Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t..
When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".
heard Chaz Bono insisted he be paired with a female partner on "Dancing With The Stars" so ABC immediately went out and got Richard Simmons!
why is it that people like to sit in the front seat of the car, but the back seat of the bus?
Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
Don't ever break a pinkie promise. That stuff is legit and legally binding.
Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while driving.
The only obstacle to following my dreams is the alarm clock... 