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My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop. 
Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.
Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
I'm still watching the Never Ending Story
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account
I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?
Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.
I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!! 