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Sorry I shot you in the face with a tampon. In my defense, you were acting like a giant v*gina. 
"just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "
Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing. Then I can continue killing you with beer.
Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."
In Toy Story 3, if Andy was 17, that means that the toys stood there in silence while andy furiously masturbated.
I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather sh!t in my hands and clap !"..
Why do some men feel the need to make his woman jealous of other beautiful girls? A real man should be making other beautiful girls jealous of his woman!!
Stevie Wonder's Twitter update was hilarious. it said," ahdshewsd€yts".
My parents are about to get a divorce. Haha, I'm kidding. I'm black, my parents haven't seen each other in 15 years.
Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked.............................For Free!!
I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert.
Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."
For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.
It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.
Snooki look like a retarded version of Kim kardashian
Could switching to Geico really save you 50% or more on car insurance???.....Does being on Facebook really give you the feeling that people's lives are a little over-exaggerated just by reading their status updates?
I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot. 