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Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die. 
When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.
The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers
For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.
Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off
People who are on drugs don't worry me nearly as much as the people who should be.
Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense
Pumpkin-Picking Tip: Don't let those hillbilly monsters that run the place lure you into the tractor shed.
I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember these 3 words and you'll always have money: Stick-em-up!
Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!
Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.
Wow, I've just noticed that almost all the girls on my Facebook are girls that I've tried to hook up with at one point or another. My Facebook has suddenly become one giant reminder of pure and utter failure. Well played Facebook, well played...
I've seen 4 people go from "in a relationship" to "single" today...yep, it's definitely no shave November.
Here comes the 2010 Christmas post all over again ...
Better late than pregnant.
Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.
FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.
One leg in the past and one leg in the future means your pissing on the present.... 