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if I sneeze and you're sitting next to me, it is acceptable to bless me. If I sneeze and you're 50 feet across the room from me, no need to shout at me unless you're the pope." 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
Got a new car for my spouse it was a great trade!
was witness a Toyota Prius that had a malfunction accelerator. For a Prius it was flying. It had to be going at least 49 mph.
If you're happy, don't ask questions. Isn't that right ?
working today to stamp out, eliminate and erradicate redundancy...
I Cried for New Shoes, Until I Saw Someone With No Feet
This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
"Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."
Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."
Why do women continue to buy men gifts when the 2 best gifts are free. Blow Jobs and Silence
Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...
At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)
Lets hear it for the curvy girls. Skinny girls, please eat something, if I want to see your ribs I would ask for your x-ray. 