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wondering which of the following are most likely to happen? 1: The Rapture. 2: Pigs flying in perfect formation. 3: Politicians being completely honest. 
If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax
Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%
the longest yard is that space between me and the nacho dip
Why are there some skinny girls modeling jeans on a Lane Bryant commercial?!
"We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only thorugh our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Wells
If M&M's came in white wrappers, there would be too many punchlines to the beginning of this sentence.
I have planned to be very spontaneous today
Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.
Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...
I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?
Better get a bigger spatula before you try flipping that on me!
Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.
Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America
You can always tell which friends have no life, you can never get a poke up on them.
Not everyone can be a Rockstar.....some of us have to be satisfied with just being the irritating pebble in a shoe....
Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved
All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged
It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar. 